Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
