If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
