i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
