As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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