I just saw a hot homeless man
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There's even glitter on my cock...
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