Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
