I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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