Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
