Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i came on her dog
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
