Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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