party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
sex in a hospital.. check
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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