It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you would pick up someone in the library
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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