I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
