I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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