I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
