I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
