you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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