Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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