My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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