I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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