someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
