I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
