my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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