you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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