Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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