You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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