Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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