Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
