I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
