The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
