FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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