My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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