Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize