Will you blow on my dice?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
