yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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