So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
