I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
