I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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