I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't deserve a penis
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
