i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
