No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
