Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
