tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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