Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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