I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
