his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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