he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
