Just fell off a train. Bad.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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