if i can run in heels then i can drive
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
