She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
True strength comes from lack of pants
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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