I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
