HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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