$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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