he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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