the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
