her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
babies were throwing up all over the place
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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